1st Annual FUKAMAL Report - By William "BBall" Ball - Page 1 of 4
Ever been to a FUKAMAL? Me neither (although I'm fairly sure my parents warned me about such things when I was a pimply-faced teenager). Actually, that first part isn't exactly true, for today marks the "official" end of the first annual FUKAMAL. I guess to be technically correct, I've now lost my FUKAMAL "virginity" ...and boy was it ever an event to behold.
To explain what I'm talking about, let me harken back a few months in time. Our LAN group here in the Twin Cities (the VFS 32nd Arctic Knights) have been meeting for roughly three years now, and about two years ago we flew in the current "guru" of the flight sim world (at least in our opinion) to fly a LAN with us. Yep, we're talking the "F" word....Mark "Frugal" Bush himself. As we began to bang the idea around to import Mark for another LAN, our XO Terry "TBob" Keesee coined the acronymn the seemed perfect to describe the event: "Frugal's Unforgettable Kinda Annual Minnesota Arctic LAN" (or FUKAMAL). Now that we had a name, we had the beginnings to a legacy, the dawn of a tradition (Woodstock? Watergate? Oshkosh? FUKAMAL?)
The weekend in question was decided upon, the tickets (called a "Companion Pass", or a "Y9") were mailed overseas, the venue was secured, SP3 was in the house, and all seemed good with the universe.....almost. The downside of riding on a companion pass, is that you are last on the list of standby passengers. In fact, last doesn't really describe it; if one could be about a dozen places past "last", then that would accurately describe it. I'm rather sure that cadavers and nuclear waste is boarded before the "Y9s". So if the flight is full, and there are lots of "non-revenue" passengers (employees, etc.) trying to get on the jet, your chances pretty much suck.
Mark was aware of all this from his last trip over (not bad coming this way, but hell trying to get home), however, we were hoping that this time would be easier. Mark showed up at the gate in Gatwick only to be told that his chance of getting on the jet were less than the proverbial snowball in hell....not good. In fact the agent told him not to expect for the loads to lend themselves to "Y9" travel for the rest of the week, and probably not the next week. The FUKAMAL was crapping out before it ever got started. I was greeted with this ugly news as I walked in the door from flying a trip.
As the news got out, all of the VFS 32nd felt the let down, and for a few nano-seconds, we bounced the idea around to cancel the event. We came to our senses (the hotel conference room was bought and paid for, we had cleared our "busy" schedules, etc.), and decided to fly with or without the Frug. Oddly enough, Mark called the night before the FUKAMAL was set to kick-off, and in the process of trying to find a cheap fare on the net, he suggested that I check the passenger load (for the London to Minneapolis flight) one last time. I wasn't feeling optimistic, but I logged onto the NWA non-rev site, checked the load, and low and behold, flight 44 didn't look that full! Holy cr*p, the flight from London to Detroit (to connect to a domestic flight DTW to MSP) even had 40 open seats! Just wait a damn minute there cowboy, it was looking more and more like the FUKAMAL was going to happen after all....whoohoo! I booked Frug on the flight, hit the rack, woke up to see that he had been boarded on the flight to Minnesota, loaded up my rig, and headed out to get this thing in the air (so to speak).
"BBall's truck loaded up with all the LAN essentials."
I showed up at the Best Western Inn to see that Dale "Olieman" Olson and Randy "Hooker" Eberling were on site, and getting things going. We weren't exactly sure how many we were going to have in the skies over Korea, but the venue that "TBob" had found was shaping up to be more than adequate. Rumor had it that a few other "guest" fliers were inbound, so the total could easily exceed the dozen count, and this would be a good thing. We found out early that "Hunter882" had taken a rain check, "Horseman" had opted out also, so except for the anticipation of the arrival of "Fumbles" from the left coast, it was looking more and more like a VFS 32nd + Frug LAN. (We would learn later that "Fumbles" got within about 500 miles of the Twin Cities, but had to r.t.b.......next time guys....next time) Within a short time, Chad "Cat" Borsheim and Tom "Kass" Kassekert were hauling their junk in and doing the "plug A cord into slot B dance". Things were shaping up nicely.
"Kass and Cat talking smart."
Time to check on the Frug. I logged online with the trusty laptop, tapped into the NWA reservation site, and sure as shooting, he was still enroute and due in at approximately 3:30. That left a few hours to get the network up and running, fly some Falcon 4, and generally get back into the "LAN frame of mind". This was done without incident (unless you call getting your ass handed to you by DPRK Sams an incident).
"BBall's rig."
Olie and I stopped kickin DPRK "arse", and headed over to the Minneapolis/St. Paul Int'l airport to retrieve one British citizen in the form a slightly dazed and/or jetlagged flight sim junkie. We parked our butts outside the sliding doors that served as the exit from the Customs/INS pergatory and waited. The clocked ticked by...3:30, 3:45, 4:00....no Frugal. Other folks from flight 44 were strolling past, meeting relatives, etc...but no Frugal. An hour past the flight's arriveal time, and we were two worried Falcon 4 dudes. We joked about U.S. Customs doing the "cavity check" after seeing a Cougar HOTAS in his bag, but now it was looking like he might actually be "enjoying" something on that order. After more looking at the clock, and having the terminal staff page Mark, we headed back toward the sliding doors only to be met my the BIGGEST U.S. Customs official I had ever seen (with a very big pistol). He marches out (literally), stops and bellows out "is there a William Ball?" I was walking toward him to inquire about the proctology exam in progress, so I stopped and said..."well, that would be me."
(here's how the conversation went)
Customs Agent: "Do you have any I.D. to prove that?"
BBall: "Uh, yeah" (as I fish out my driver's license....I didn't know that I was going to be a suspect....I HATE proctology exams)
CA: "Are you waiting for a party?"
BBall: "Yeah, a Mr. Mark Bush."
CA: "We have him, but there's a problem. He doesn't have the appropriate documents to enter the country."
BBall: "Huh? What do you mean?"
CA: "He doesn't have a return ticket."
BBall: "Yeah, well that's because I brought him over on a companion pass, so I'll give him the return pass when he leaves."
CA: "He doesn't have reservations on a return flight."
BBall: "I know that, he flies on standby, and if you'll give me ten minutes, I'll find an NWA computer, and book him on a return flight for next week."
CA: "We're doing that now...he'll be out in a few minutes."
BBall: "OK, well while you have him back there, why don't you pistol whip him a bit...hehe."
At this point, the Customs Agent (that was born withouta sense of humor) stopped, spun around, and gave me the dirtiest look I've gotten in a LONG time. He bored holes in me with his eyes for about five seconds, whipped back around and as he was punching in the numbers on the keypad to go back into his "lair", he looked at me very sternly and said...."he said the same thing about you." What? "Robot-o-tron" made a joke? I almost choked. Within a few minutes, out walked a rather disshevled looking Brit. The look on Mark's face was a mixture of "halelueya I'm FREE!" and "what the bloody hell just happened?".....we got him outside ASAP, let him "cook a fag", and headed him off to the LAN. It would've truly sucked to fly all the way across the pond, only to be dicked with, and sent all the way back....almost happened. When we FINALLY got back, day one of the LAN was winding down. We all spent copious amounts of time pumping Frug's hand, slapping him on the back (traditional "AHMURIKIN" welcomes), then settled down to fly some Falcon 4. Life was indeed good again. We wrapped up day one, and headed back to my "crib" for dinner, and a cocktail or two at my basement bar, aka the "Debie Lounge".
"BBall's fetching bride Debie (owner of the Debie Lounge), Olieman and the back of some numbskull's head"
Needless to say, we had LOTS to catch up on....and it didn't matter to us that Frugal was running on empty, we figured we'd just fill him up with rum. Poor basta*d, we literally kept him up all night "talking smart".
"Frugal toasting the fact that he passed his "proctology exam" with flying colors"
"BBall, Olieman and Frugal well on their way to filling out their applications for the NASA"
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and for Mark, the end was a brick wall. Roughly around 0400 (after having a couple of hours of sleep the night before in the U.K., and being awake for somewhere over 24 hours), and literally in mid-sentence, Frugal's light switch went to the "Oh-Ef-Ef position", and before we could mutter "goodnight sweet prince", his head hit the bar... he was fast asleep. Curiously enough, his hand clutching the rum and coke stayed in the last upright position, and not a drop was spilled....I think even the INS guy would've been impressed.
"Collatteral damage from the night before"
"Is he dead? In a few moments he's gonna wish he were"
