Dada’s Multiplayer Guide and Checklist - By Dieter “Dada” Miller
Since I still seem to get occasional requests to post this, it seemed like a natural for my first, highly anticipated, eternally memorable, “Frugal’s World Guest Editorial.” (And let’s face it, being a self-confessed, lazy bastige, it also gets me some points on the board without thinking up anything new for a little while longer.)
Now that you all have your pens and kneeboards ready, I’m going to share my highly coveted guide to multiplayer nirvana. Although originally written for Falcon 4, I am confident that it may be adapted to any sim junkie’s personal hell.
Without further adieu:
Dada’s Multiplayer Guide and Checklist:
01. Put my three and five-year-old to bed.
02. Fire up ICQ. Wait a couple hours for any squad mates to pop up. Re-introduce myself because they don't remember who the hell I am. (Sheesh, I gotta fly more.)
03. Pause to get up and tell the kids to get back to bed.
04. Connect on Roger Wilco. :) Interrupt everyone else as much as possible, over-modulating on purpose. (How else are they going to hear you over the C.O.?)
05. Pause to get up and yell at the kids to get back in bed.
06. Stop by the fridge for a couple of much-needed JW Dundee's Honey Brown Lagers.
07. Rejoin the fellas and decide on a game.
08. Spend another hour (and a couple more beers) trying to get a good hook up.
09. Finally connected, pause to get up, grab my belt, and threaten the kids with life and slow dismemberment if they do not get back into bed.
10. Rejoin the game. Stumble drunkenly into the briefing room, unzip, and see if: "Any of you 'ladies' wants a piece?"
11. Suffer through 3 minutes of the briefing, grab my helmet, and head for the door, "Yeah, yeah, Something goes boom. I got it."
12. Stumble drunkenly to my jet, fumble with the canopy, curse out the crew chief for not having it open.
13. Strap into my cockpit, accidentally arming and then hitting the ejection handle.
14. Eject.
15. Walk back to the parking area and blame it on the crew chief.
16. Look for the X.O.'s (Merlin's) bird.
17. Steal the X.O.'s (Merlin's) bird.
18. Burner down the taxiway and into a 70 degree vertical climb.
19. Check in with the tower: "Osan, this is Merlin. Piss on all your heads."
20. Check in with my flight, getting a posit check on Pappy.
21. Make sure I fly BEHIND Pappy.
22. Listen for Pappy's call: "Master Arm on," confirming that his slammers are hot.
23. Double check to make sure I'm flying BEHIND Pappy.
23. Try to find the target.
24. Look to see what the other guys are attacking.
25. Go attack that.
26. Break into the escort flight's dogfight comms, "How do you arm these damn things again?"
27. Make sure Pappy's still in front of me.
28. Try to drop on a building or something. (The ones with the big red crosses make for easy targets.)
29. Bomb that damn rice field beyond recognition.
30. Fire off a couple aamrams to make it look good. OOPS!! Damn, Pappy was still in front of me, wasn't he?
31. Flip on the autopilot to sneak away for a quick beer check in the fridge.
32. Beers gone = time to head for home. (Gee, thought I had more than that).
33. Check out with Awacs: "This is Merlin. Egressing."
34. On approach, fire off a few rounds at anyone in the pattern to get them out of my way.
34. Land on the taxiway because, let's face it, I'm tired, I'm drunk, and that's the shortest way to the parking area.
36. Put the X.O.'s (Merlin's) bird back where I found it. (Damn, not a scratch. Guess I should fly drunk more often.)
37. Run away before anyone sees me.
38. Sneak back into the briefing room and fall asleep on the couch.
39. Sound frustrated when everyone gets back, "Hey, how'd the mission go? I had to down my damn bird for ejection seat problems. Hey did SAR get Pappy? Can you believe that Merlin?"
40. End the mission.
41. Go upstairs to bed to find my kids still up: smoking cigarettes, drinking my missing beers, and switching between Jerry Springer and "Shake Yaw Ass TV." (V-chips? We don't need no stinkin’ V-chips.)
